


Lakeside

by bluerosebouquet



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, F/M, Fluff and Angst, M/M, and he loves peggy and tony so much im js, steve grieves for years and you can't tell me otherwise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-24
Updated: 2019-05-24
Packaged: 2020-03-13 10:23:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18939022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluerosebouquet/pseuds/bluerosebouquet
Summary: Steve loves Peggy, and he needs the lake





	Lakeside

Steve visited the lake whenever he could.  Peggy didn’t say anything when he got in the car for the first time and drove down the winding, delicately curved roads to a small clearing, a perfect place for a house.  Steve approached the lake gingerly, like he’s afraid something is going to come out of the water and grab him.  She watched from a distance as he sunk down into the grass, watching the water, occasionally disturbed by birds and deer coming to get a drink of the cool water.  Steve didn’t even notice them, or her walking around the place, looking up at the towering pine trees.  He was lost in his memories.  She could see his hunched shoulders shaking, but knew better than to go to him.  She knew that this grief, whoever he had lost in the future, that he wanted to be alone with that person.

Eventually, Steve approached her, tear streaked and smiling, and took her hand.

“We can go,” he said, looking up at the trees.

“Do you want to go, Steve?”

He looked at her, his wide, kind eyes always more concerned for her than for himself.  It was something that she had always loved about him.

“If we could just...occasionally come by?”

“Steve, it’s a beautiful place.  And it can be ours.”

His smile radiated through her like the warm sun.  His kindness and strength matched hers, and she was glad to be able to do something that gave him some peace.

After several years of visiting the lake, however, Peggy began to ask.  She would ask about who would own the lakeside property, about what they meant to him.  And it took Steve years, literal years to open up about it.  Not because he didn’t trust Peggy, he trusted her more than anyone, but because of what it would cost him to talk about it.

On their third year of marriage, Steve’s fifth year of living in the past, he told her.  They sat together, shaded from the summer sun by the trees, and he told her about the future.  He told her about Thanos, about the war, about space, and about Tony.  He told her most about Tony.  Every detail he could remember.  And she was the best listener, the very best.  She drank it all up, asking questions, pressing him when he didn’t want to go on.

He had thought, at first, that he couldn’t mention name or details, afraid of altering the timeline.  But the more he thought about it, the more he realized that the timeline was altered, he had altered it, and that he could make the future his own, so he finally told Peggy about him.  She laughed at the things he had said, the stories that Steve would tell about him.  He told her about Tony saving the universe.  When Steve told her about the awful things he had said, she was quietly there for him, even when he was ready to give up on himself.

“I told him, I told him that he wasn’t the guy to make the sacrifice play.  That he wouldn’t lay down on the wire and let others crawl over him.  And he did.  He did it more than me, for all that.  New York, Sokovia, the whole Universe!”

“You feel guilty.”

“Yes,” Steve felt the tears sting his eyes, as they always did when he was at the lake.  He wiped his eyes on his sleeve.

“I’m sorry, Peg.  This isn’t fair to you, honey.  I’m living in the past, well, future past, and that’s not-”

“Steve, you’re allowed to have traditions to honor the people you’ve lost.  I visit my mother’s grave ever year on her birthday, you know that.”

“But-”

“It doesn’t matter what the relationship was, it matters that he was important to you.  And I’m glad that you told me, that you include me.”

Steve dropped his head to her shoulder.

“I love you.”

“And I love you.  But you’re still allowed to love him too.”

Steve took a long, shaky breath.

“Okay, but, if it’s alright, can we do it together?”

“Always.”

It became a family tradition.  A tradition to, on the anniversary of Tony’s funeral, load up in the car and come to the clearing.  They didn’t need to explain it to the kids, they felt like the forest was a magical place.  The kids eventually called it their secret place, because no one was ever out there with them.  Steve always felt guilty when they would try to play with him, try to get him to pick them up, go swimming with them.  Peggy understood, and she would gently pull them away, leaving Steve on is own, alone with the thoughts of a glowing arc-reactor, oversized sunglasses, and a beautiful smile.

There were years where Steve and Peggy would come on their own, especially as the kids got older.  They would bring a chairs, food, Peggy would bring a book, and Steve would watch the water.  

Steve always tried to live in the present, he tired not to think about cell phones, the internet, who was going to win the world series in twenty years.  He tried to be the best husband and father that he could.  But when he visited Tony’s lake, he let himself remember.  He let himself remember their mistakes, his mistakes.  He let himself remember how he felt about Tony, and the things he wished he had said.

Tony had told him to live a life.  And that life was beautiful.  He had his children, he had a beautiful house, and he had Peggy.  And about 99% of the time?  That was enough.  His new life was enough.  That one percent of the time?  When he was filled with inadequacy and doubt?  He would come to the lake, sit for a while, and he would hear, almost like he was right next to him,

“Mr. Rogers.  I see that ass is just as nice as the day I died.” 

It was those moments, when he could hear Tony as if he was right next to him, that he would pull out the only thing of his that he had never shown anyone.  Not Peggy, not his children, not his friends.  He pulled out the picture of him and Tony, taken by Bruce after some party.  The picture that Pepper had pressed into his hands when he left Tony’s house for the last time, smiling her beautiful smile, understanding something that he hadn’t understood himself for years.

Tony had his arm slung around Steve’s shoulder, confident and easy.  Tony was dressed to the nines and Steve was in one of his button-up shirts.  They were laughing, probably at a joke that Bruce had told, and Steve had analyzed everything about the picture, about Tony’s fingers curling into his arm, his own arm around Tony’s waist.  Everything.

There were days where it was hard to leave the lake.  It was like losing Tony all over again, even though he had been dead to Steve for years.  Sometimes he would stay until the sun had set, looking at the glassy lake for hours.  But he would always, always be able to drag himself up, look back at the lake, and smile.  Only then could he go home, come through the door, squeeze Peggy’s hand, and take another step forward.

**Author's Note:**

> What can I say, I love the angst. And, even four weeks later, I'm still not over Endgame lol.


End file.
